Saturday, August 29, 2009

Bad Day Followup & A Piece Of Me

First off thank you so much to you all for your advice.
After much thought and long talks with people close to me I have decided to quit.
I do not like the fact that I am quitting something but I also can not stay in a environment that I feel is not good for me. I am EXTREMELY thankful that I was even given the chance to have a job there, as I do know how hard it is to get a job anywhere.
Another thing, which is super hard for me to say on here, is there is more to me needing to quit this job then I previously stated.
Looking at the picture that I have up you most likely can not tell but I am a very big girl. I have had a weight issue pretty much all of my life. When I say big girl, trust me I mean big not. Not one of those girls the weighs 150 and considers themselves morbidly obese. I am WAY bigger then that. With that all being said, shamefully, it is hard for me to stand on my feet for 8 hours a day. Because of my weight my body can not take me standing for that long. Yesterday after 2-3 hours I could already feel the affects of this. My whole body hurt, I was extremely hot. All around it was not a good thing. I wanted to cry.
I cam home and was in so much pain that all I could do was cry. Not only was is physical pain, it was a lot of emotional pain too. I cried to Josh and told him why it was so hard for me at work and he just said he loves me for me and it does not matter what I look like. He does want me to lose weight only for health reasons and so I feel better about myself.
This post is actually extremely hard for me to write. I am almost in tears. I can not really stand to look at myself in the mirror. I do not think I am a ugly person, I promise I am not conceited. I do not like the way I look or feel at all. I feel bad for Josh because I feel like I embarrass him when we are out together, even though he tells me time and time again that he does not feel that way. I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed of myself. I am sad.
Last night I got to talking to a girl I used to work with at a call center. She pretty much is in the same boat as me and weighs pretty close to what I do. Her doctor put her on a supervised diet. She has been on it for 3 weeks now and has already lost 24 pounds. She gave me all the information her doctor gave her about the diet. On Monday I am going to start this new lifestyle. I can no longer feel like this. I can not stand it for one minute. I don't want to die young because of weight and my primary doctor said if I don't do something about this sooner then later I may not see the age 40. I don't want to die, there is too much I want to do with my life.
I know some of you may not understand what I am going through. Some of you may even think that I chose to be this way and all I do is sit and eat my day away. I promise that is not it. I know I am the only one to blame for this. I also know I am the only one that can turn this around. This is such a hard thing to do. I can not believe I wrote all of this but in a way it makes me feel a tad bit better.
Thanks for reading a little piece from my heart. Now you all know one of, if not the main, reasons why I quit.
Please don't judge me. I do that enough to myself everyday

10 comments:

  1. I can't imagine anyone judging you, but I can IMAGINE your getting a lot of SUPPORT from everyone, sweetie.

    You've already taken the first step by writing it all out & speaking of your need to take the steps for your life to change. This is the most important step you can take. Blessings for you as you take each step of the way ... we are all hear, if you need to talk just contact us.

    Have a great weekend. TTFN ~ Marydon

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  2. Hi Brit,
    I think that you have made the right decision about the job. Adding the emotional effects to the physical demands is a really tough thing. Bringing that kind of negativity into your life is never good in my opinion. (Isn't it great that I'm a know-it-all?) lol

    I am also excited for you in this new time in your life. It's amazing, isn't it how our husbands can be so supportive and non-judgemental when we are so hard on ourselves?! Sometimes it feels like they see a different person than we do. They probably do, actually. I'm sure Josh sees who you really are, not the particular "form" that you take. Does that make sense? I hope so.

    You have taken such an important step by really searching out a solution, and making a plan. Just keep in mind that every person is different and that if your immediate results do not mirror your friends', that is not the end of it. It probably would be a good idea to speak with your doc. about helping you. Just to be safe. Oh my gosh. I'm such a mom!!!! ;)

    I so look forward to hearing about and hopefully supporting you in this journey.
    Have a wonderful weekend, and think of this as a new beginning. A chance to really start your life under your terms. That's quite a gift.

    XO*Tricia

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  3. Thanks so much you two!!! I, not too long ago, got a bunch of tests done from my doctor and basically he said I need to lose the weight. He said I need to find a diet that works best for my needs and go from there. So that is what I am doing.

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  4. You should not be so hard on yourself! You are fearfull and wonderfully made and God loves you no matter what. If Josh was embarassed of you, he would not be with you. You're very luck to have such a supportive husband. You have a lot more friends and support in blogland than you probably realize. Good luck on your new lifestyle (diet). We are here if you need us!

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  5. You hang in there girl! You are very brave to have written what you did. Sometimes just putting a name to our feelings gives enough momentum to help change the way we feel. If you can make it through 6 hours of CVS, without training, waiting on customers . . . you can do anything!! I'll be checking back with your blog to see how you are doing. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing. Your transparency is heart warming. I hope all goes well on your journey. If you can share this struggle with the world, you can lose weight! You can do this!

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  7. Miss Brit. You are a truely amazing lady. I hope you know that. Not only are you a wonderful person but you have a huge heart and great mind. I know what it's like to be overweight, to the point of dispising yourself and feeling almost invisible to the real world. I gained weight after a car accident, lost it, gained it back, lost it again and then was in another terrible car accident. This time I have had a terrible time loosing it and have been hard on myself.

    You are taking the right steps to move on with your life and the weight loss will help you live the life you have always wanted and DESERVE. YOU GO GIRL!

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  8. There are some people who's bodies just don't loose weight easily-you need to go to a dr and tell them you need to go on a weight loss pill and plan. they will probably make you be in a regular -daily exercise routine --walking 30 min a day for a month before they start you out and a good dr will run all sorts of blood work first to make sure everything is OK but you will start loosing. I know you want to get it all off fast but it is best to loose 10-15 a month otherwise your body doesn't have time to adjust and your skin will be all saggy.

    Cheri

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  9. Brittany, I am glad you have written out what you are feeling. This is your own place to say whatever you want. I support you. You can always write me. I hope you can find a way to lose the weight you want. I will be here for you. Blessings,

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  10. Dear Brittany....I am much, much older than you...but I completely understand the pain of being overweight and I so feel for you. I agree about the job. You truly need to take the time to concentrate on YOU...just you and your precious hubby. You're in my prayers!!!
    You might want to check out my other blog, too....www.nanabananadesigns.blogspot.com...or, as I prefer to call it...Jeremiah 29:11!!!!
    In His Most Precious Love...Deb

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